This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
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Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”