This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
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Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
favorite tropes as memes
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“