This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
You Might Also Like
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
rise and shine we got egg
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
Muppet Screams
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.