This can never not be funny 😭😭
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You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
Dead sexy!!
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard