This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
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Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.