this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 馃ゲ
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I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
Of course I鈥檒l buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn鈥檛 live with me
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you鈥檙e
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
Hell yeah 馃憤
corn maze employee: you can鈥檛 smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i鈥檓 popping my way out
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he鈥檚 just a poor boy from a poor family.
wife: you鈥檙e drunk
me: I鈥檓 not the one who鈥檚 all blurry Carol
Smallpox sounds so adorable
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE鈥橰E FREE!
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She鈥檚 currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
yes, i鈥檓 outside playing, mom!!
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol