This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
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One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
Free him
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
This dude got his own movie?
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call