This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
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If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?