“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
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[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
I know this now 😂
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.