“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
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Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.