This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
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I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
I laughed at this way too hard.
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
Before crowbars crows drank alone