This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
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Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
Don’t make me out nice you.
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.