This chloroform smells expensiv…
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Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor