This coffee cake doesn’t seem to be helping my alertness at all
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My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
Me: The doctor said that because of the anesthesia, I should just lay around all day reading and watching Saved by the Bell
TwinzerMom: Wasn’t it just a local anesthetic?
Me: I mean, I’m not the one with the medical degree, so who am I to question?
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!