this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
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What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?