This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
You Might Also Like
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
Beauty and the Beast
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.