This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
You Might Also Like
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
So, I got banned from the toy store today…