@abhorrent_wife

This could be us but you eatin’

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@joshgondelman

Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)

@Prof_Hinkley

[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*

@PinkCamoTO

“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.

@IvoryGazelle

[inventing tupperware]

make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti

@shutupmikeginn

[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys

@thrill_tweeter

Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”

Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”

@JohnLyonTweets

[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.

@thrill_tweeter

H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”

“A puppy.”

“Pick something else.”

“A different puppy.”

@meganamram

Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school

@glo_zanayi

I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.