This could be us but you eatin’
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If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
They must have gotten it to go.
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.