this could fix me
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Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
thank god
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
(Electricians.)
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?