this could fix me
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[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried