this country is so goddamn polarized
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Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone