This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
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17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
can’t believe I got front row seats
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.