This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
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If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
This is true.
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case