“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
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“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
Cheers Twitter.
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.