This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
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Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy