@JimmerThatisAll

This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.

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@perlhack

I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face

@girl_a_whirl

You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.

Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.

@KamanCider

Friends are like snowflakes.

If you pee on them they disappear.

@TwinSurvivalist

If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.

@john_self

Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.

@UnFitz

I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.

@Crutnacker

Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it

Obama: Joe!

Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed

@sbellelauren

thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent

@LaLuchaNix

Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.

Me: Can you take off the avocado?

Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.

@cravin4

Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas