This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
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The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.