This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
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Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.