This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
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Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
Wedding planning is organized crime.
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
Cartman: Respect my
a a
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
“You drive, I’m tired.”
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.