This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
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People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
yall want some gasoline milk
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.