This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
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DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.