@AGStr8upNinja Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
@JimmerThatisAll This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
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@AGStr8upNinja 
@mazizkhalifa 90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
@morethanMI5 My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
@jawahomer I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
@noog Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
@david8hughes [throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
@aneesa_p Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
@shesananteater One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
@girl_a_whirl Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
@noneofyours99 *flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?