@JimmerThatisAll

This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in

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@AGStr8upNinja

Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?

Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.

@mazizkhalifa

90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.

@jawahomer

I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.

@noog

Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.

@david8hughes

[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado

@aneesa_p

Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.

They don’t give a fork.

@shesananteater

One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.