@JimmerThatisAll

This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?

You Might Also Like

@TheTweetOfGod

I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.

@JamieGreenlees

A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!

@Brampersandon_

CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on

@deephora_

My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.

Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.

@JustBeingEmma

I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.

@BradBroaddus

It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.

I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.

@pharmasean

Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.

@Laser_Cat

Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.

@huntigula

How much for the sentient racist skeleton?

“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”