what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
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I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”