This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
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It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!