This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
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No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck