This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
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CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
True.
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.