This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
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“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
I triple waxed for this?
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
CUTE CAT‼︎
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.