This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
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Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
Namaste
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.