@mistrustme1 Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
@JimmerThatisAll This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
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@mistrustme1 
@amydillon *ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
@Kantohttp Pikachu found the lost joint
@TheAlexNevil Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
@JennyJohnsonHi5 I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
@thatdentaldude Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
@caseytduncan You deplete me
@BruppFWTX Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
@KevinHart4real Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
@brennadine [Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to