This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
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I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal