This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
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Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
Why soy sad?
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!