This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
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Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
This makes total sense…
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.