This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
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I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
🤣could you imagine
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
the only organized thing in my life is crime
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.