This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
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Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
stand with me against insufficient seating
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
who wore it better?
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party