This device could predict incoming phone calls.
You Might Also Like
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
584.
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
Great Canadian literature.
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?