This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!

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I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.


Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?

Me: Yeah, it was nice.

Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.

Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.


If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.


Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner


The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall


it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking


To make a long story short:

Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die


THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game



That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?


i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.