@LoveNLunchmeat

This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!

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@FancyNancyAnn

I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.

@stephenjmolloy

Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?

Me: Yeah, it was nice.

Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.

Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.

@skittle624

If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.

@kevinthedad

Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner

@PopeAwesomeXIII

The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall

@jon_snow_420

it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking

@AnOrangeSNES

To make a long story short:

Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die

@TheToddWilliams

THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game

VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?

@AimeeHelene1

That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?

@ShelbyWolstein

i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.