@FancyNancyAnn I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
@LoveNLunchmeat This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
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@FancyNancyAnn 
@stephenjmolloy Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
@skittle624 If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
@kevinthedad Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
@PopeAwesomeXIII The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
@jon_snow_420 it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
@AnOrangeSNES To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
@TheToddWilliams THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
@AimeeHelene1 That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
@ShelbyWolstein i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.