This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
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Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
I’m giving up for Lent.
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.