This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
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Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
Butt weight. There’s more!
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
I know this now 😂
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.