This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
You Might Also Like
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.