This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
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Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!