This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
You Might Also Like
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
A classic…
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER