I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
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Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.