This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
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what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?