@GetCougarized I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
@slimmy_shady This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
You Might Also Like
@GetCougarized 
@Cheeseboy22 Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
@Donna_McCoy If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
@zachreinert0 Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
@soyourelikethat Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
@Humor_Fetish There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
@TragicAllyHere My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
@kariassad Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
@MoneypennyNaked Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
@GingerHotDish I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.