@slimmy_shady

This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.

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@Cheeseboy22

Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.

@Donna_McCoy

If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.

@zachreinert0

Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car

@Humor_Fetish

There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.

@TragicAllyHere

My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”

@kariassad

Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are

@MoneypennyNaked

Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.

@GingerHotDish

I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.