This dude got his own movie?
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Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”