This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
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Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?